Christmas retail is kind of killing me. A colleague said to me today while I was mid-rant, ‘You were so nice when you started..’ Ha. It can be an introvert’s nightmare dealing with 3 customer queries at once and constantly being asked questions while you’re pricing items, pushing a trolley of stock or balancing a pile of books. I had a woman prod the stack of books I was carrying in all the right places to stop them falling while quizzing me.
Minimum wage is sucking so much too. Fretting constantly about Christmas presents. I need to be climbing some sort of career ladder and quickly. But again, I’m just not in the headspace and I don’t have the money to move away.
I’m not completely panicking I just wonder sometimes. And think I’m too lackadaisical. I sense my parents are thinking I’m letting it all slip by and I hate that! I do tend to do everyone’s thinking for them though.
If I listen very carefully I can also hear the faint ticking of a clock too. Especially when I count how many Mums there are from my year of school. 8 years ago…
Plenty of writers had a less than glamorous day job, though, right? I don’t dread this job like I did my previous one. And I meet at least one person per day who makes me smile, or even inspires me in some way. I always try to be patient and helpful even if I’m rolling my eyes internally, and I try to listen to my Mum and shine a little light even when I don’t feel like it.
I’m always trying to justify myself, that’s probably why I’m writing this. People are hopefully too busy with their own lives to worry bout mine but please don’t think of me as a waste of an English degree!
I’m reading a lot, I’m trying to be there for my most precious Mammy who’s own mammy is not doing very well at all. Feeling terribly guilty about that also. I’m in a really good place with G. Just wish I could buy him ten times more for Christmas and his birthday. I’m thinking of my friends so much and looking forward to upcoming things and knowing I could do better there too.
I got asked to read again at Mass by the most lovely nun who phoned my house out of the blue. I did it YEARS ago. I think from 2006-09 or something like that. I kind of saw it as an invitation back to faith which I feel I have moved too far away from sometimes. It gave me comfort but I still haven’t went every week, and guess when my first reading will be? Christmas Morning.
I do apologise for this awfully self centred post. It’s more to ease the writing guilt on top of everything else. From my buzzing worries not much else is rising to the top.
Maybe just a reminder that not everyone’s lives are Instagram perfect. Being kind is the most important. Keep your dreams aflame in your chest. Don’t feel you have to spend a fortune at Christmas. Know that my friends, I love you but it will be a humble Christmas. Hold your loved ones close. Be grateful. I am.